Dating In Your 30's and Why It SUCKS ASS

I have three adventures from this summer to still write about, but I had to bang this one out first.  Call it blog therapy...

Seeing as how I am trying to find romantic love in Minnesota, I deemed this blog post appropriate.  Love in Minnesota means all kinds, right?  So I’m going to share what it's like to date in your 30's with all those who don't understand, at the same time giving a shout out to all my fellow singletons who will freely be calling out “amen!”s and “hallelujah!"s as they read this. 

To all those who do not have to date, let me help you help your single friend.  There might be things you say with good intentions that we actually really hate to hear. 

There are a few things you should never say to a person trying to find love in their 30’s (or older). 

Ah hem:

#1  “You need to put yourself out there.”

If you say that to me I might put a skunk in your bedroom. 

Define “put yourself out there”?  Would YOU be able to “put yourself out there”?  I’ve put myself out there over and over again.  I’ve gone on so many bad, anxiety ridden dates I could write a whole book of anecdotes. 

I want to paint a picture for you on what it is like to “put yourself out there”….

Let’s begin with online dating.

I’m going to talk in detail about online dating later, but for now let’s jump to the moment you agree to meet with a person you’ve been chatting with for a few days. 

As a woman there are a million reasons why meeting a complete stranger you’ve met online is borderline insanity.  The dangers are endless. So I have to be smart about it and go through the whole rigmarole of making sure at least four of my friends know exactly where I will be, the guy’s name and have a picture of him. It is also vital to keep in touch with them throughout the date so they know I am okay. 

Meanwhile, as the hours tick by before date time the anxiety and anticipation puts me on the toilet at least eight times before show time.  I can’t speak for everyone who dates, but as I have an anxiety disorder this is absolute torture to “put myself out there”.  TORTURE.  TOOOOOOR-TUUUUUUUURE.

So… after deciding I better take an Imodium before I dehydrate, I head out to the bar we agreed to meet at all the while going over in my head the online chatting sessions we had and start to see the red flags I missed.  I start to get disappointed before I even get there… But then I pep talk myself with the same damn pep talk every time: You never know, Jess… You got to meet him first to know… Maybe you’re reading too into things… Maybe he won’t be that weird…

Nope.  My guts were right.  He IS that weird.  Or, it turns out I’m just not attracted to him.  Or, we just don’t have chemistry.  Or… he IS THAT weird. Ugh.  So many weird ones…. And not in the good way. 

So. Ya push through one drink to be polite but all you’re thinking about the entire time is that wonderful couch at home, a bottle of whiskey and marathoning “30 Rock”.  I just want to get the hell out of here, man….

You politely say goodnight and hope he doesn’t follow you home. 

You get through your door, strip and whip out the PJ’s and sit on your couch wondering why the hell you just put yourself through that.  “It’s healthy” people say.  All right, then YOU do it. 

I don't give myself the pep talk anymore by the way.  I see red flags?  I shut 'er down.  Abort! Abort!

#2  “You got to get to know the guy…give him another chance…”

Um. No I most certainly do NOT have to go out again with a guy I am not attracted to and had no chemistry with.  Um. NO. Is that how YOU met the love of your life?  Again…this goes along with online dating which is SOOOO different than meeting people in the flesh or through friends, et cetera.  That, I will also explain later. 

So, to help you help your single friend?  The worst thing you can do is pressure them into seeing someone just to see someone.  Don’t pressure them, period.  Yes, it’s possible your single friend is coming up with all sorts of stupid reasons not to see a person because they might be scared or have other psychological reasons to reject a potential contender, but if so?  That means they’re not ready yet.  It means they have some crap in their life to work out.  Let them figure it out. 

#3  “Have you tried online dating?”

Hey.  I know you’re trying to help.  I know you’re trying to be positive.  I know it can be hard to not know what to say to help.  So I don’t want to sound rude when I say this particular question is just…frustrating.  Of course I've tried it.  It's just…the question sometimes implies that I’m single because I’m not trying. 

Oh. I’m trying….

I’ve tried going out to bars with friends or even alone.  I once went to a bar alone with the intention of pretending I was stood up on a blind date.  Having anxiety, it is a HUGE deal that I did this.  I met some cool people and had a good time, but no contenders…

I’ve sat in coffee shops hoping a nice, cute guy will talk to me because I’m too shy to start a conversation.  Which is stupid, because on the super rare occasion I do get approached?  I can't make eye contact or think of anything to say and I blow it.

I go to the comedy club in hopes of meeting a non-drug-using comedian… That doesn’t work.

I’ve signed up for Meet Ups on Meetup.com, but never had the guts to go by myself to go hang out with strangers.  Did I mention I have an anxiety disorder?

Online dating. Sigh.  For those who have no experience in it?  Allow me to educate you and explain to you why no matter how many times I try, it’s just not the avenue I can take to fall in love.  Because I want to fall in love.  I’m not just looking for companionship….

Online dating is pretty much shopping for human beings.  You find yourself being FAR pickier about details than you would if you were to meet someone in the flesh at a party.  These people online are objectified into these billboard ads of their persona.  There could be a really fabulous guy who doesn’t know how to sell himself, and I’ll pass him by because the risk is too great.  If I were to meet him for the first time at a party and we hit it off, his crappy online profile is meaningless.  You see? 

Online dating means a huge spectrum of disappointment.  The roller coaster is vomit worthy.  It is exhausting getting yourself excited and then let down, time after time after time after time over a period of YEARS. The smart, creative guys are all narcissists who conveniently don’t believe in monogamy.  The guy you think might be the one you can truly connect with is actually a dick with a personality disorder.  (That’s always alarming...) Then there’s the creeps…. You get some creepy messages in your inbox that say something like, “Put more pictures up, hunny” and crap like that.  Worse than that sometimes.  Block worthy.  And then there’s the lazy asses that just want to stick their penis in something and therefore send you effortless messages like “Hey”.  Hey?! That’s how you start a conversation? MORONS. And let’s not forget the crazy crays, the married men in “open relationships” and the douche bags.  Yeah. It’s LOADS of entertainment and good character study if anything else.  I try…. I try not to let the disappointment eat me alive.

I like to express my sense of humor on my profile.  I make it very clear that I’m funny and that’s the part I choose to reveal for him to be attracted to.  Looking for duck lips and cleavage? Wrong tree man. Here’s a fun story: I had one guy not get my humor at all and called me a liar and asked why I was even on the site.   (I say on my profile that I’m 7’11” and a guinea pig farmer…because it’s funny…)  I try to make it clear that my substance has value.  Some guys are super cool and get it, and I do have my moments of positive flattery. To be fair, there ARE decent ones I talk to as well.  But then there’s others that turn my funny into degradation…  I'll get things like, “Well don’t you look the life of the party” coupled with their creepy profile picture.  Over the years I’ve learned this is code for “free spirit” which is code for “easy” which is code for a million other sexist slut shaming insinuations.  CRINGE!  My profile picture is of me wearing a batman shirt, my grandma’s fuzzy tall hat and pretending to pick my nose.  (What can I say, I’m a sexy beast.)

And then…. There’s the very occasional, very rare nice date.  Which, I’ve actually only had one (from online that is).  And it was recently.  And it fizzled and went nowhere anyway because…. I’m not entirely sure why.  He got weird on me.  Biggest disappointment I’ve ever experienced in terms of the online avenue.  It was literally the best date I’ve ever had.  And it was for him too, or so I thought.  He couldn’t stop telling me how cool I was and how much he liked me.  And it was in a way that seemed, of course, genuine. He laughed at my jokes.  Being an aspiring comedian himself, that meant something to me.  A lot of funny guys get stupid competitive.  So it was cool that I made him laugh. We made each other laugh.  I was so unbelievably comfortable with him!  We doodled on paper together and told each other riddles and jokes.  We made a funny snapchat and sent it to my friends.  When we were outside he gave his work shoes to a homeless person… I kissed him and he actually liked my forwardness.  Private details to remain private, I asked when we could see each other again and his answer was, quite eagerly, “I don’t work tomorrow night, or the next night…I have off evenings”.  Pretty clear sign he was excited to see me again, right?  I’m not crazy pants?  So, I tried to keep the excitement going.  I wanted him to know I was still feeling good about things.  Wouldn’t you want that?  Wouldn’t you want your date to reassure you that they’re still interested?  I would! I’ve been left hanging to wonder and it sucks ass!  So…… Told him I couldn’t wait to see him again, sent him a few goofy snapchats... 

He gradually got all shifty with me.

 I knew the signs. 

Started saying weird things to blow me off like, “Well I think I’m moving tomorrow.”

Are you…are you freaking kidding me? 

And then he got super weird and dramatic and turned into a real dick who doesn't, and I quote, "want to hurt ya by criticizing who you are". 

My friend Barb thinks he does drugs. 

ROLLER COASTER OF DISSAPOINTMENTS.

So…. Let’s move on to number four….

#4  “I just don’t understand why you’re still single!”

Well?  Judging by my last date apparently there's things to criticize about who I am... 

The truth is?  People are not single because they are undesirable, unattractive or horrible.  Is everyone you know in a relationship super hot and awesome?  I hope you see my point... I know the exasperated statement is meant to compliment your single friend.  I do. And I appreciate it, for those who have said it to me.  Please don't think I'm being a jerk... It just, it implies that other single people are single because they're rejects.  It should never surprise someone when a good person is single is what I'm saying....

But if you MUST know why I am single?  I can tell you.  And then you can let it be.  Every single person has their story, whether they are divorced, workaholics or just haven’t had the proper opportunities.  Or maybe they’ve been through some sort of trauma that prohibits them from having healthy relationships.  Whatever the story, it is theirs and being single should not devalue someone.  So for the sake of other singles I’m going to share my story.  Let’s get personal, people…. Here goes:

To begin with, I was an extremely awkward teenager who was terrified of boys and had a very unhealthy self-esteem.  I had one semi-serious relationship (a whopping three month go) in my senior year and it only lasted a few months because he slept with my friend. 

I got into childcare immediately out of high school which means the only men I met at my job were already-taken dads, so… opportunities?  Zilch.  I never went to college which is where most people meet their significant other.  So there’s that.  And then I moved out when I was twenty one and lived with my grandmother in Florida.  Again, I was in childcare.  A nanny.  I also had a super bad haircut I was trying to grow out and I put on a lot of weight.  So I wasn’t exactly confident enough to go out and about, and even if I was… I was living with my grandmother.  Dating was not really an option. 

The older I got the worse it grew.  I had no experience.  I fantasized about a boyfriend, but was terrified of it at the same time. 

I moved again.  No opportunities.  I moved again.  No opportunities.  Just kept getting older and older, less and less experienced all the while struggling with anxiety.  When I lived in Philadelphia I tried to “put myself out there”.  I went to a bar by myself on Valentines.  That was a nightmare.  I went to a coffee house in the hopes I would be approached.  HIGH hopes considering that I sat in the corner with a notebook like a chubby, standoffish nerd in a city where everyone else’s wardrobes exceeded mine by a landslide.  Gradually I sunk myself into my creative ambitions and became a hermit.  I was writing two novels and a screenplay during that time whilst also dabbling with little video projects.  I was highly productive. I grew immensely as an artist. But had no real social life. 

Long, personal story short I ended up moving back to Minnesota.  That was stupid.  If you knew why, you’d agree. 

From this point out I’m not going to give you the play by play of my disastrous dating life so I’ll try to sum it up somewhat entertainingly:

Why am I single?  I didn’t dive into the dating world until much later in life.  Later than what is deemed “normal”.  I started out in a very adolescent phase and was painfully aware of it.  I started online dating.  And it was horrible.

I was living at home for a few years between the ages of 28 and 31.  It’s very hard to date when you’re living with your parents.  But I tried.  And I worked very hard to get my apartment in the city so that I could move forward. 

I ended up meeting a guy online and got into a very unhealthy situation/relationship (of sorts) with him that turned out to be paramount self -destruction.  This scarred me. Scars suck.  I was in a pretty shitty place where I was very confused about sex and love and relationships, and I was thoroughly convinced that no man could love me for who I am as a person.  I was convinced I wasn’t capable of relationships and that monogamous men did not exist.

Why am I single?  Because it’s taken me a long time to figure out what I want, who I am and how to pursue something healthy.  I’ve made a lot of mistakes.  Sometimes I’m this amazing, smooth confident woman, and then sometimes I’m this train wreck, weirdo moron.  My anxiety has made me say and do some pretty weird things… There’s been a lot of “DOH!” moments in my dating strides.  I’ve also been conned, treated poorly or timing has just been a cruel villain pinning me down. 

Why am I single?  Let’s move on to the last, but not least, on our list of things to not say to a single person…

#5  “Maybe your expectations are too high…”

Now, I haven’t had these exact words said to me but I do know someone who has. (Shout out to my cousin Kim). And it has definitely been implied to me, so here goes….

I expect, for the most part, what I can give.  If this bar is too high?  Then things need to change for what we expect from men.  Because in my opinion, I’m not asking for anything unrealistic. 

I want a man who is kind not just to me but to others.  I want a man who has friends, who is empathetic and has passions or hobbies in his life.  I don’t care what those passions are, just something that drives him and makes him happy.  He should have a job.  I don’t care how much he makes, it’s not about money it’s about responsibility.  I want a man with the same values, someone who will be a good, nurturing father.  Because as old as my ovaries are getting I’m still hoping to have children.  He should be willing to commit because that’s not a problem for me at all.  I will not tolerate cheating. I have value, and I demand to be valued. I have not demanded that in the past... I want to be treated with respect.  I don’t want to deal with selfishness or any kind of abuse. 

I want the basic, obvious stuff: we should both be totally attracted to each other, have a healthy sex life while at the same time grow to be best friends.  Pretty normal stuff.  Above all I just want to be loved for who I am because I know I can love him for who he is. 

Do you still think my expectations are too high?

Dating in your thirties SUCKS. ASS. 

Why?  Because the chance of meeting a single person at this age is minimized.  Everyone is all settled and tucked into relationships by now except for the few wandering singles like myself.  It’s also terrifying having been on your own for so long you start to wonder if you’re even capable of letting someone into your comfortable, independent world.  But then you start to long for what everyone else around you has:  Someone to come home to.  Someone to watch movies with and be touched.  Someone to give you a Valentine.  Smirk if you will, but the next person in a relationship who tells me Valentine’s is overrated is getting a skunk put in their room.  It’s a fabulous holiday and it’s not my fault you don’t take advantage of it, or take for granted that you have someone to celebrate it with.  I’ve never in my life gotten a Valentine from a man.  I’ve never kissed a man on New Year’s.  I’ve never lived with a man, never came home to anybody.  In all truth, I’ve never had a legit boyfriend.  I’ve had dating relationships, I guess you would call them, but nothing serious.  Only once did I ever bring a guy to a party, and that turned out to be a hugely regrettable situation. 

OK, now I sound like I’m whining… Yikes, Jess. That’s not my intention.  My intention is to illustrate why dating at this age is god awful, lonely and despairingly painful.  I’ve had people say to me, “Oh I wish I could be dating again!  I miss those butterflies!”  Are you….insane?  You’d have to be insane to want to be in my shoes… I think for the most part people want to make single people feel better.  I get that.  I hope I haven’t offended anyone, I truly do.  I just want those who are in healthy, happy relationships (I don’t envy the oppressed ones…that’s a whole other topic) to truly take advantage of what they have.  Not all of us are so lucky. 

And the pity… I’m not looking for pity.  I’m looking for empathy.  Pity is the worst!  I fill my voids the best I know how, and I take pride in how well I deal with my loneliness.  I’ve become a strong, independent human being with an ego so scarred now it’s pretty much turned to rubber: it bounces back, time and time again. I take pride in overcoming the hurt and emotional trauma that I’ve endured in my life, and I’m still plugging along to find happiness.  What I need from the general population is a more understanding perspective on older single people.  You don’t know what it’s like to date at this age, be grateful for that and don’t give advice unless you’ve really been through it.   And stop treating single people like it’s their fault for being single, like they’re not trying hard enough.  That is rude.  Stop it.

That is all.  Peace out, yo.