Love Your Love

I’ve never in my life been a bitter or jealous person.  I’ve had my insecure moments for sure, but in general I’ve never had the green-eyed monster consume me in the way it is now.  I think I’ve arrived to a snapping point.  I’m like a balloon that has been blown too large, and the pop is an explosion that is blowing apart my entire world. 

Through my entire adult life I have been an odd wheel.  It has become a normalcy to my entire network of friends to the point where nobody seems to realize that being an odd wheel for that long is an eternal torture for the odd wheel.  I’m a pretty tough human soul, but I still have a human soul.  I’d like each one of my friends in relationships to take one step in my shoes, for just one imaginary moment: imagine every time you hang out with me and my imaginary boyfriend, you are alone.  To all my friends with boyfriends and husbands, and I am there to hang with you and your significant other, do not be fooled that I am not in grievous, lonely pain.  Nobody wants to be the downer, and nobody wants to feel sorry for themselves and have people know it, but when relationships are in your constant peripheral and reminding you that you have nobody who you love stick around to love you back… the balloon eventually pops.

This is not an entry to make anybody feel bad for being in a relationship or having me around it.  I love that I have friends in love.  What has gotten me to the page today is that last night I realized I have grown a monster inside of me.  Since my recent heart break bitterness has consumed me in a way where its dark mask has taken over my identity.  I have these half-slit evil eyes and this growl of a beast toward everyone who I deem is taking advantage of the ones who love them.  I want to claw and attack and break and shoot.  I was kind, and I got rejected.  You get angry and they still love you.  I have this irrational jealousy and bitterness which my soul is just not quite used to.  I feel I have been soured.  Poisoned.  I will never have what you have, so don’t be an idiot and take it for granted.  They love you back.  Do you not know how exceptional that is?

Love is not just about being loved.  It is about finding someone that you love, and they love you back.  The mutual affections that are the foundation for a healthy relationship.  I thought I had mutual affections, but I was devastatingly fooled.  For all you idiots in a relationship bitching about this and bitching about that, take a fucking step back and take a good look at what you’re complaining about:  is it worth it?  Is it really that important?  If it is, then I get it.  But there are so many complaints I’ve heard where I feel like I’m going to blow up in their face and call them a stupid spoiled brat.  I find myself having this snotty voice in my head, this sour, envious little shit saying things like, “Boy it must be nice to have someone make dinner for you…”  Or, “Man, it must be nice to go to bed with someone every night, someone who loves you…”  Or, “Must be nice to get flirted with…”  “Must be nice to have someone run an errand for you…”  “Must be nice to have someone make you soup when you’re sick…”  “Must be nice to have someone who’s an amazing dad to your kids…”  “Must be nice to make memories and laugh and share and be complete…”  All I want is to be complete.  I want to be crazy about him, and him crazy about me.  And that is it. Life is good if you don’t be a brat about it. 

See?  Bitter Jess is biting on through.  I apologize.

So? I’m going to try to utilize the bitterness into this:

If you are in love, love the shit out of the love, man.  If you are having problems with the person you love, fix the problems.  If you are mad about him putting the bowl in the wrong cupboard, get over yourself.  Try being manipulated, conned, lied to, cheated on, led on or having your heart broken.  It’s a FUCKING BOWL.  Get the hell over it. 

If you have someone worth fighting for, fight.  If you married your best friend, treat them like your best friend.  If you have your needs met, count it for the times for those who don’t.  You get to kiss someone goodbye and hello.  Not my fault you’re not taking advantage of that awesome shit.  You get to cook for someone.  Or have someone cook for you.  I cook for me and I often cry in my noodles.  You get to be touched.  You get to make jokes, and make memories.  You have everything so many of us lonely fools wish we had.  You can say to me a thousand times, “Relationships are hard…”.  Yeah.  But if they were so hard to the point of being something you don’t need?  You wouldn’t have one.  Friendships are relationships too, and they can be hard as well, but I sure as hell couldn’t live without them.  Try living without natural companionship.  I don’t care how hard it is, it’s harder without. 

I don’t know if I’m an idiot for writing this post… I don’t want my friends to read this thinking, “Is she talking about ME?!”  I’m talking about ALL of you.  My ENTIRE audience.  Because 90% of the people I know are in relationships, and then there’s the general public who may or may not read this.  This is to ALL people in relationships.  I don’t envy the dysfunctional or abusive relationships, I sure don’t.  But so many in normal relationships take what they have for granted.  Take my lonely, stupid bitter pain and get perspective.  Love your love, man.  I’m just sayin’:  Love your love.  Love the shit out of it because life is short and it’s just not worth it to not be grateful for someone you love loving you back.